Must fire off a quick post while I'm in a rare good mood. Vic had a good day and was cute all evening. The weekend approaches and we're going to Outback with some of Vic's workmates Friday night. Good movies to watch, good books to read, and we're both happy to have new music on the way. So yeah, I do feel good *cue James Brown music*.

I don't feel good. Work is making me miserable, which sometimes makes life at home miserable. I've been eating very badly this week. Vic gave my my first Twinkie a few weeks ago, and I'm hooked. I must try not to buy any next time we go to the store. Financially... our balance doesn't hit bottom very often, but I feel so restrained. I think we both do. Like we're reluctant to do anything, or buy anything. I spend most of my online time shuffling things around in whishlists, or adding and removing items from shopping carts. I guess it's better than last year when I was just buying everything I thought I wanted.

Everytime I begin to think I can tolerate work, they do something to make it worse. Our company opened it's second new office this month, in Muskegon, MI. Instead of having more people answering recruit calls, they actually took some away and made them supervisors! The unfairness of it makes me mad. There are about 6 of us answering 150-200 calls a day, while the rest of the office answers about 50, and up to 8 supervisors sit around doing nothing. So I often don't have time to take a breath before my phone rings again, and the others have several minutes between calls.

People are so unbelievably rude and ignorant when calling for jobs. They ask me to hold, or in many cases 'hole up.' They never fucking listen so I have to repeat things 3 or 4 times. I say 'Suite 230', they say 'this in a motel?', I say '2011-A', they say 'what's dashay?' I hate when I'm giving an address, and people say 'who?'. It's not a fucking person, it's a place.

So I know a crappy job is probably not the best reason to go on medication, but there are no remotely secure jobs available and I need something. I've been craving alcohol a lot - antidepressants are better right?

Anyway, I've changed the most used links a little. The radio show recorded in WV is having some cool guests in the coming months, so I'm adding a link to Mountain Stage. Netflix quickly became one of favorite sites - I go there a lot if I remember or hear of a movie I want to see, or to browse and shuffle the queue. Yay, a website that uses the word queue! And I made a launch radio station that features my favorite Jazz artists. So if you're interested, you could sample the musical genius of Davis, Coltrane and more.

Not much happening. Mondays and Tuesdays at work are hellish. Other days are bad too, but I can look forward to being home. Two weeks into my diet and I'm thinking of giving up already. What is there to look forward to if not comfort food?! I had high hopes to start exercising this week but before work I'm too depressed and after I just wanna crash. Budgeting is getting more difficult too - unexpected expenses, heating and water bills higher than expected. And then there's tax time and yet another payment to those INS bitches. Looks doubtful that we'll be travelling abroad this year. Lucky if we travel anywhere. I need some distraction.

Friday was an irritating day. There wre inches of snow so we had difficulty getting off the hill. There were 2 people answering job calls, and the callers were more idiotic than usual. I really hate when someone calls to specifically ask for a telephone number, and then I have to wait while they find a pen. Or worse, they say they don't need a pen and call back minutes later having forgotten the number. And since we're taking calls from Canada now, we've been told to ask "where are you calling from?" instead of "what city and state are you calling from?" which paves the way for answers like "my house." Okay then.
I love Canadians. I wanna move to Canada. They're so polite and they can speak properly. I teared up the other day when someone said 'Zed.' As in Z, not Pulp Fiction Zed. I wanna move to Canada. It's sad that Americans (at least the ones that call me) are so rude and stupid that I have to look forward to seeing 'CA' on my phone display.
Anyhoo, moving on. 3 of the people who couldn't get to work yesterday morning were able to get in at 1pm to pick up their checks and leave again. One of whom (Nicole) informed us that she'd be off for 2 weeks because an accident she had weeks ago apparently caused more damage than previously thought. Or she found out Insurance would pay for the time off work. Damn, I'm cynical. Oh and did I mention the call from Michigan from a guy who heard on the radio that we're opening an office in Michigan. Before anyone in our office heard about it. This happened last year when we got hundreds of calls about an office in Augusta the people taking recruiting calls hadn't heard about! I hate that fucking company. Ah yes, and there's a new add stating "25-50 openings" while applicants are being told there's a 'hiring freeze.'

Besides working for Satan, life is okay. I'm happy with the budgeting and dieting so far. Another irritation was that the only fat free snacks I intended to buy at Krogers yesterday were sold out. Snackwells Devil's Food cookies. So I got Chex Mix instead.

I just lost a post I'd worked 15 minutes on - the first time this has happened with Blogger. The basics of my post...

Yay Netflix. Thanks Byron.
Work is relentless but I'm handling it better.
Got drunk this weekend but didn't hate self so much.
We miss Chelle.
Welcome First Evil and Jaeda to my friends list.

I need to write a little about work. The reason this week is so busy is because the company put a new ad in papers across the country stating 'no experience needed, up to $15 an hour.' Don't people know by now that if it seems too good to be true, it usually is? The truth is only those very few who last a couple of years and are very good at talking people out of their money will reach that magic number. So I get to listen to the callers complain about misleading advertising when I tell them they'll start at $6 or $8 an hour.. Also, notice they don't use the word necessary in the ad. Our target audience wouldn't understand that word. You wouldn't believe how stupid some of the callers are. But I won't get into that right now.

There are supposed to be 8 people answering these calls (used to be more, but of course, they had to make things more difficult), but there rarely are. Two idiots have been promoted to floor coach. One is newly pregnant which gives her an excuse to leave the room every five minutes. Another was absent for a court case against her landlord. All this means that the moment I hang up on one call, there's another waiting. I haven't had time to pick up a book since Friday. Meanwhile, the people taking fundraising calls (the majority of the office) have several minutes between calls and are happily playing card games behind me. There was a time when both types of calls were answered by everyone which made things more even. I asked our manager when we'd be opening up more cubicles for job calls, and she said we won't. Grrr! It's extremely frustrating, and difficult to leave that frustration at work so it doesn't damage the tranquility of home. But I'm trying.

One final annoyance. A few months ago I got a paltry annual raise of 17 cents, and a letter from management blaming the economy. And now, we're opening 2 new offices, one in Michigan, and even one in Canada.

So why don't I change jobs. I wish that prospect didn't seem so difficult right now. I don't have the confidence. I don't have the clothes! I know that eventually, when this new advertising campaign is no longer new, that the call volume will decrease, and I'll once again have time to read between calls. I check the classifieds and there's so little to choose from. A woman at work said "decide what you want to do and go for it." That's what I did for the radio job, but eventually, an ideal job is just a job, and one that keeps you away from home at night and weekends for $6 an hour? Not worth it. And I'm not sure a happy marriage and an ambitious career can co-exist. My marriage is happy because I get home at the same time as my wife, because we spend so much time together. And transportation is a problem. I don't drive yet, and don't want to go back to public transport. My current schedule is pretty ideal. I get a ride to and from town with Vic, and she can even meet me for lunch most days. Speaking of which this job is good for dieting too. When I worked at the radio station, I would be away from home for 12-18 hours sometimes so fast food was inevitable. Now we sit in our car and drink slimfast. Isn't that romantic?

My diet starts in earnest today. I managed to finish the ice cream and chocolate. I did donate some chocolate and chips to Vic. No more giant bags of Lays for me! I do have some Pepsi left, but I'll try to keep 'em to one a day and in future buy diet drinks. Tomorrow, yoga, and eventually I hope to walk from Vic's workplace to mine, which should be thirty minutes exercise each day. And maybe it's time to become reaquainted with Denise Austin. I also intend to weigh myself today and every Thursday, and list the results on this page.

It is so difficult to stay optimistic. Work keeps getting worse. More people calling, less people taking calls. I'm on the phone constantly for over 7 hours a day. Traveling takes over an hour. And when we get home, there's cooking and cleaning, bills to pay. What's the point in the constant struggle to survive?
George Bush is making me mad. Taking from the poor and giving to the rich, the constant political aggression, separating families and wasting billions of dollars by sending troops to the middle east "for a possible war with Iraq." Yeah right. Y'know, in 2001, we got a message basically saying "Isn't the Bush tax cut great? Unfortunately you don't earn enough to benefit." Bitches. They're all bitches. I love how Bush's 'plan' creates a huge budget deficit for future presidents to deal with. And yay, a dividend tax cut. Those of us who can afford to invest in the stock market need money more than the poor folk who can't afford food or medicine.
Local government is pissing me off too. Politicians going on fact-finding trips while health clinics close. People dying as the legislature continues to not make a decision regarding overweight coal trucks. And the medical malpractice fiasco? A committee says it'd be better not to take any action this year on that little issue. Oh to be back in Europe (or the Clinton administration) where the papers are filled with sex scandals.
Anyway, yeah, I'm a little tense right now. Maybe a bath and some Norah Jones will calm me down. Mmm, Norah.

There's been no reply as yet from my brother.

I've been feeling much better this week. Even a bad day at work couldn't bring me down. Much. Yesterday we went to lunch and a movie. It was nice, but the guy in front talking, and the horrible drivers and the rudeness of people in general make me think it's better to just stay home all weekend, every weekend. Today was nice. We watched Halloween: Ressurection. It seems that crap horror movies are the best choice for us, cos they're so bad they're funny. Haven't enjoyed pay-per-view this much since Jason X :)

Despite, or because of, what I wrote in previous posts, I've decided that the time has come for me to lose weight. I think part of the reason I failed in the past is because I kept it quiet in case I failed! This time.... "Failure is not an option." I'm going to post here about my progress, maybe even add a weight chart thing on the side. We may get off to a slow start as I phase out the junk food already in the house - chocolate, soda, chips, ice cream. But I resolve not to buy any of that on future trips. I need to try not to make another mistake I've made in the past, which is to buy a lot of low-fat food instead of the usual junk. Too much food is too much food. I just need to break the hadit of eating too much. I need to become more active, to exercise. And I will. Watch this space.

Persuant to my resolution to write more, I've surprised myself by sending this to my 18-year-old brother on an island far far away. Hope I don't regret my honesty as I often have in the past. Oh well, here's my version of the sunscreen song...

Dear Stephen,

I think it's time for some brotherly advice. I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable. Knowing our family, you're probably not used to truth like in this email. Anyway, I understand if you don't reply. I just hope my experiences can help. Sorry in advance if I seem too sentimental at times. It's the American way.

First, current events have reminded me of how being overweight affects self esteem. I hope you're not as depressed as I used to be about this. Luckily, now I have Vic and can mostly separate weight issues from self image. I know, for health reasons I need to lose weight. But I hope you don't let it define you. That if you let someone get to know you, they won't think of you as fat. That you are much more than that. I'll be dropping quotes from time to time in this email. You've heard this before but think about it. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." If someone can think I'm beautiful, the same can be true of you. Have you heard Christina Aguilera's song on this subject? Listen out for it :)

Moving on... "To thine own self be true." I'm not sure how like me you are, so I'm sorry if you feel some of my advice is not needed. But anyway. I wasn't like my classmates. I couldn't talk crap about girls, sports, cars, whatever. And since this is all they talked about, I was usually silent. I didn't pretend to be someone I'm not. And I'd like to think that this paid off. I feel like I'm better off here than drinking my life away as so many young men do in Ireland. Or worse. Ireland has such a high number of suicides among young men. Because they're never encouraged to talk about their feelings. Basically, try not to let people pressure you into being someone you're not, or doing something you don't want to do.

Which leads me on to sex. Again, I'm aware of the embarrassment this may cause. You probably don't wanna hear it from your brother, but I'm trying to help. Sex is so not the big deal it's made out to be. I remember being so depressed cos I didn't even have my first kiss at 18, never mind anything else. It shouldn't be a race. Trust me, it will happen eventually. Try not to obsess about it too much. I know I did, and even though I was twenty-fucking-two by the time it happened, I now regret not waiting longer. You'll know when the time is right. I'm fairly sure I don't have to tell you the following, but just in case.... don't do it without a condom! You should probably have one in your wallet just in case. I carried one around in my wallet for five fuckin years - it expired before I got to use it. But still, you may have better luck than me :)

Next subject - drink. I hope you can handle yours better than I could. Most of the things I regret happened when I was drunk. Be careful. I would wake up on the side of the street, I wandered down by the boyne, I got beat up a few times. I lost everything from jackets to glasses! I often think I'm lucky to have gotten away from the drinking culture of Ireland. I was pathetic. Don't be pathetic.

Drugs. I'm not sure what to say about this subject. I believe that you will be offered drugs as some point in your life, if not already. Again, be careful. Some drugs are more dangerous than others, but even if you think it's one of the 'safer' ones, you never know what you're taking. I know drink ruins more lives in Ireland than drugs do, but the best option is to say no. I know how hard that can be, so just be very fucking careful.

Am I done yet? Nearly.

Some general things. People's priorities in Ireland are a little fucked up. You shouldn't want to be rich. I don't think rich people are any happier than poor, and in most cases, the poor live more fulfilling, if not easier lives. Personally, I think there's too much emphasis on education. Many people with degrees can't find work, or end up hating what they studied so long for. Don't envy people in college. Eventually, you'll find something you enjoy doing. If you think you know what that is, work out a plan to get there. I decided I wanted to be a journalist, but while in the course decided I preferred the radio work. After a few years at that, I decided to take a break and work a regular 9-to-5 job. Hopefully, I'll change jobs again this year. Don't let people discourage you. I don't think anyone would have thought I'd be on the radio in America some day.

Since I couldn't talk crap like most Irish people, there were times when I was lonely, when I longed to communicate. Some of my best friendships were through letters. I put an ad in the buy & sell, and wrote to people. I had penpals in New York, Galway, Dublin. Letters were something to look forward to. I don't know if you need that, but it's an idea. And you have the option of email - you could find people with similar interests.

So, Stephen, I'll leave it at that. Again, I hope I haven't scared you. And I hope maybe you'll even decide to reply with truths of your own. Basically, I had a tough time in my teenage years, and I thought the chance that I could make yours easier was worth sending this to you.

My mom called at 9pm New Years Eve. It was 2am in Ireland, and of course, they had just gotten in from the pub. The call was going okay till my dad started talking about how I need to lose weight. It brought back some bad memories. When I was growing up, he'd mock me about being overweight. You can imagine the insults - I don't want to repeat them here. It got to the point where I was identifying with Quasimodo! Anyway, then I lost the weight and people treated me differently. I was worthy of attention, but then I didn't want it. I was the same person, but before losing weight I felt ... less than most people. Afterwards, I remained distant because I was disgusted by the superficial bullshit. So maybe that explains by anti-socialism! Ireland is a pretty fucked up society. Anyway, I'm getting off track. I put on the weight again, and more. I finally have someone who makes me feel worthy, not just of being, but of being loved, and sometimes even admired. So I feel fairly good about myself most of the time. But it only takes a few words to knock me down.
A few weeks ago, someone left a note in my guestbook saying I'd be cute if I lost weight. It was supposed to be a compliment, and I'm sorry I needed to delete it, but...
Overweight people cannot help but be aware of their size. I know I should lose weight. And I will. But right now, there are a variety of reasons I'm not ready for that undertaking. I have failed too many times in the past to set myself up for that possible disappointment. I need to feel better about myself first. I need to reach a point where I can envision being successful in that particular endeavour. I need confidence.
So yeah, thanks a lot for the advice. You've driven me to quote from a Christina Aguilera song.

'Cause we are beautiful
No matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
Oh no
We are beautiful
In every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down Oh no
So don't you bring me down today

New Year's Resolutions:

Learn to drive.

Adhere to budget.

Get a new job and/or see a doctor.

Write. More.